My ass like many Americans gets up each day and goes to work. Some of us leave our little ones in care of others to do this. I watched my dad go to work with brain cancer and I know they are more than just him that have to work why ill. So you can relate to my irritation about welfare bitches and hoes.
I understand aid needed at first. I was 18 unmarried and pregnant. I got help and medical for Tyler while pregnant. But guess what you fucking baby making tramps before my 6 weeks was even up I was working and promoted to office manager at Hobby Lobby and got off state aid forever. I didnt stay at home and get knocked up again so everyone elses hard tax dollars was spent for my 24 hour vagina baby making store.
My opinion, you can fuck,you can work. I dont need to get up daily so you can drive SUVS, have fake nails aned designer $100.00 jeans. I dont appreciate buying cheap wal mart stuff while you get 6 grand in food stamps , buy food then sell the other half to get stuff my working ass only dreams of having.
I am not against state aid, I understand it is needed in some circumstances. But no one out there even the ones abusing it are going tell me people dont get hooked on it and work the system. Why would these woman want to go out and get jobs when each month their rent is paid for, their food is bought and their medical bills are non-existent. They can then make their nail and hair appointments. They dont have to leave their kids with others and go work. They dont miss one darn moment of their kids life. They take our money and live quite the diva life to be honest.
Want to know what Jaded Diva would do if she was in charge? Heres my welfare plan in a nutshell....
1. You can get state aid for one unplanned pregnancy only.
2. During that time you and your unborn baby will get all the medical assitance needed. Nothing more, no money monthly, if you are still in high school maybe a few dollars a month but nothing fancy
3. Once the baby is born you will receive aid for the first 12 months, after that time to go job searching. I am ok with the child receiving free health insurance,lets face it we all should be granted free health care.
4. After a year your welfare expires, not questions asked, no complaints taken. Child may still receive health care until he turns of legal age.
5. Your dumb ass gets pregnant again, no way no how is the state helping.
If the government would follow those 5 steps the whole baby population would drop, trust me on that.
JD WORDS OF WISDOM: Ladies who are frequent welfare flyers aka use your vagina as a meal ticket and living off my tax paying dollars please read this statment below and chant it:
"BEFORE YOU LET HIM TAP IT, PLEASE MAKE HIM WRAP IT"
October 17, 2011
October 12, 2011
BREAK FROM SARCASM
Jaded D is on vacation and is having a blast.
She is on a sarcasm hiatus. :)
But dont worry I have seen plenty of stuff to confess about when my vacation is over!
She is on a sarcasm hiatus. :)
But dont worry I have seen plenty of stuff to confess about when my vacation is over!
October 6, 2011
The Opposite Sex
Sunday October 9th is my 7 year wedding annivesary. Or as my bff calls it , the seven year itch. LOL. Chad and I have been together for 14 years now. I truly did marry my lobster but boy oh boy men can be pickels at times.
Tonight I am going dish the dirt on mens top 10 annoying habits.
So grab your girlfriends and get ready to man bash :)
10. Asking for directions. Why is it so hard for men to stop and ask for directions. I mean once the words "Excuse me I think I am lost" are spoken does a little guy come out and punch them in there man jewels or take their balls away? Shit if I am lost help me the goose out I want to get there now not in 4 hours.
9. Hands down their pants? Ok please tell me why men do this? Are they afraid their car has gone on without them? Do all men do it? Do they speak of it amongst themselves? Hmm things I ponder LOL.
8. Obession with the remote. I swear you would think the remote would give men a car wash the way they need to hold onto it. Then once they have it they change the channels 900x a minute. Its either sports sports hunting or more sports. Dont get me started on the boring ass shows I am forced to watch.
7. Stories. Now when a woman tells me a story it has a beginning a middle and a end. Its funny and interesting and totally has a point. When a guy tells a story it has well no point, makes no sense and you just want them to finish it so you can go on with your life. You will alway walk away silenty scratching your head going wtf was that, a story, please more like a horrible after school special.
6. Farting. This is almost a game for guys. They see who can do it the loudest, the smelliest. They lift their legs, fart on their girls and do it without any shame. I mean hello guys poo stinks, nothing hot and sexy about it when you do it.
5. Video Games. Men of all ages are obsessed with video games. They make play dates to play together they sit outside game stores when a new one is released.
4. Hunting. I dont get this one and I am married to a hunter. Hunting is the other woman in our lives. I mean you have to get up at like 4am you then have to walk 100 miles just to sit in a treestand for 8 hours where you just might see one animal the whole time. Sometimes its snowing and raining. No thanks not my idea of fun.
3. Guys like dumb stuff to you ever notice, they like big dumb trucks with tires so high you need a cannon to shoot your ass into the seat. They like to drive like ass sharks in snowy weather and get a kick out of the truck when it spins around. They love to hang out with their boys and coming home at 3am is really not a big deal to them.
2. Boobs. Man you think once you seen a pair of boobs you seen them all. They all basically look the same, some are tiny some are normal and some are huge. At times when a man sees a rack they like all their common sense and manners go out the door. There eyes remind me of those old school cartoon characters, that zoom in and out in like aww. Men are so visual and love boobs butts and garages.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE... THE MOST ANNOYING THING TO ME ABOUT A MAN IS..
1. Guys are such drama queens when sick. Can I get a Amen please? Us woman have periods babies and much more but a man gets a sniffle and shit call 911 because he has the plague. No one has ever been sick when a man is sick. Its like the whole world has come to an end. Give him a nip and some nyquil and please hope he takes his ass to bed.
JD words of wisdom. Men are some hard to figure out creatures but they are sexy as hell and this diva is glad for them annoying asses and all.
Tonight I am going dish the dirt on mens top 10 annoying habits.
So grab your girlfriends and get ready to man bash :)
10. Asking for directions. Why is it so hard for men to stop and ask for directions. I mean once the words "Excuse me I think I am lost" are spoken does a little guy come out and punch them in there man jewels or take their balls away? Shit if I am lost help me the goose out I want to get there now not in 4 hours.
9. Hands down their pants? Ok please tell me why men do this? Are they afraid their car has gone on without them? Do all men do it? Do they speak of it amongst themselves? Hmm things I ponder LOL.
8. Obession with the remote. I swear you would think the remote would give men a car wash the way they need to hold onto it. Then once they have it they change the channels 900x a minute. Its either sports sports hunting or more sports. Dont get me started on the boring ass shows I am forced to watch.
7. Stories. Now when a woman tells me a story it has a beginning a middle and a end. Its funny and interesting and totally has a point. When a guy tells a story it has well no point, makes no sense and you just want them to finish it so you can go on with your life. You will alway walk away silenty scratching your head going wtf was that, a story, please more like a horrible after school special.
6. Farting. This is almost a game for guys. They see who can do it the loudest, the smelliest. They lift their legs, fart on their girls and do it without any shame. I mean hello guys poo stinks, nothing hot and sexy about it when you do it.
5. Video Games. Men of all ages are obsessed with video games. They make play dates to play together they sit outside game stores when a new one is released.
4. Hunting. I dont get this one and I am married to a hunter. Hunting is the other woman in our lives. I mean you have to get up at like 4am you then have to walk 100 miles just to sit in a treestand for 8 hours where you just might see one animal the whole time. Sometimes its snowing and raining. No thanks not my idea of fun.
3. Guys like dumb stuff to you ever notice, they like big dumb trucks with tires so high you need a cannon to shoot your ass into the seat. They like to drive like ass sharks in snowy weather and get a kick out of the truck when it spins around. They love to hang out with their boys and coming home at 3am is really not a big deal to them.
2. Boobs. Man you think once you seen a pair of boobs you seen them all. They all basically look the same, some are tiny some are normal and some are huge. At times when a man sees a rack they like all their common sense and manners go out the door. There eyes remind me of those old school cartoon characters, that zoom in and out in like aww. Men are so visual and love boobs butts and garages.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE... THE MOST ANNOYING THING TO ME ABOUT A MAN IS..
1. Guys are such drama queens when sick. Can I get a Amen please? Us woman have periods babies and much more but a man gets a sniffle and shit call 911 because he has the plague. No one has ever been sick when a man is sick. Its like the whole world has come to an end. Give him a nip and some nyquil and please hope he takes his ass to bed.
JD words of wisdom. Men are some hard to figure out creatures but they are sexy as hell and this diva is glad for them annoying asses and all.
October 5, 2011
Memory Lane.. Then and Now
I was watching TV earlier when I seen the preview for the new Footloose Movie coming up. Took me back to my childhood or my younger years. Got me thinking about how much this world has changed since I was young.
With 2012 coming soon and of course the possibilty of no more world coming too :) I thought tonight I would take a stroll down memory lane. Compare the then to the now of a few things.
So crack open a cold one or take some aleve this one just might be depressing...
Schools- Man when I was in school it sure was different, all we worried about was fitting in. I walked yep my lazy slow chubby ass walked to school. Dude and dudeetts it was far too. LOL. There was no worry that some sicko or delusional woman would come and snatch me up. There was no need for the Amber Alert and you could walk home alone. No one brought guns or knives and no one killed anyone. Teachers didnt fall in love with students and run to Mexico to be together. Schools today are scary and I can only imagine wha the future holds.
Family- When I was young family meant something. Your siblings were your true BFF. Moms and dads stayed married. Dinners were not drive thrus or mircowaved they were five course meals served at 6pm while the whole family sat down and talked about their days. Vacations were awesome. Instead of text, phones internet and ipods there were games and late night talks and funny made up stories. If you fought with your brother or sister it was solved by dinner time. No 7 years going by without even speaking to someone. I guess its true what they say, you cant pick your family but you sure can pick your friends, who in my case have become my family.
TV- Reality? Man back in the day reality TV would have bombed the first night. Today it is all we as a society can watch. Me included. We love drama, we love 15-16 year olds becoming parents. Shoot I faithfully DVR some. We love people just being mean to others. There are no more Saved by the Bells, Punky Brewster, Roseannee, and nowawdays shows like the Waltons, are you kidding me. Teenagers today watch that shark. Fudge no. They need boobs and butts and short skirts and tiny tops. TV is sex sex sex drama sex sex some more drama a 2.5 minute maybe wholesome lesson then back to sex sex. No wonder kids today are so confused. I am 37 and still blush at times as to what is on TV. LOL
Religion- I wont talk long on this one because I know it lights a fire faster than a piro but religion is like a info-mercial. When I was young there was a few religions but nothing like there is today. Its like its a baskin robins and you can choose one from 31 flavors. Whatever happened to believe or dont beleive? We have ok beleive this but not this, this happend or wait this happened instead. People cant talk about believing in god jesus or prayer because they get shunned or judged.People cant talk about not believing in god or jesus or prayer because they get shunned or judged. See a pattern here, you get judged either way...
Customer Service- This lacks as the years go one. Companies simply dont care. Its like they are BK but reversed, its our way or no way. Money talks and if you dont have it the whole world becomes silent. Buisness are rude, their employees are rude and no one is loyal any more. Its all about the dollar bill yo. Sad really.
Germs- I truly beleive that as the years go by the world gets dirtier and some people get nastier. Its like everywhere you go poop hand sammy is lurking saying HELLO. I have a real quick fix to this issue. K when you go #1 or # 2 come out of the stall or your own luxury bathroom go to the sink and OMG wash your hands. When I am out in public and someone doesnt wash their hands I kindly ask oh did you need some soap or dont forget to wash your hands. We can sing the ABC song together so we know are doing it long enought. This isnt hard peeps you wipe your vagina, or ass, so please wash it up after. Poop is not pretty and no matter if you shit roses it stinks.
As you can all tell my ass is getting fired up and I could blog for hours about the ways that this world is going one day just burst into flames but honestly tonight I am so over 2011 style peeps, that I am going quit while I am ahead...
Tonight my words of wisdom is going be short and sweet. To avoid PHS.. WASH YOUR HANDS.
With 2012 coming soon and of course the possibilty of no more world coming too :) I thought tonight I would take a stroll down memory lane. Compare the then to the now of a few things.
So crack open a cold one or take some aleve this one just might be depressing...
Schools- Man when I was in school it sure was different, all we worried about was fitting in. I walked yep my lazy slow chubby ass walked to school. Dude and dudeetts it was far too. LOL. There was no worry that some sicko or delusional woman would come and snatch me up. There was no need for the Amber Alert and you could walk home alone. No one brought guns or knives and no one killed anyone. Teachers didnt fall in love with students and run to Mexico to be together. Schools today are scary and I can only imagine wha the future holds.
Family- When I was young family meant something. Your siblings were your true BFF. Moms and dads stayed married. Dinners were not drive thrus or mircowaved they were five course meals served at 6pm while the whole family sat down and talked about their days. Vacations were awesome. Instead of text, phones internet and ipods there were games and late night talks and funny made up stories. If you fought with your brother or sister it was solved by dinner time. No 7 years going by without even speaking to someone. I guess its true what they say, you cant pick your family but you sure can pick your friends, who in my case have become my family.
TV- Reality? Man back in the day reality TV would have bombed the first night. Today it is all we as a society can watch. Me included. We love drama, we love 15-16 year olds becoming parents. Shoot I faithfully DVR some. We love people just being mean to others. There are no more Saved by the Bells, Punky Brewster, Roseannee, and nowawdays shows like the Waltons, are you kidding me. Teenagers today watch that shark. Fudge no. They need boobs and butts and short skirts and tiny tops. TV is sex sex sex drama sex sex some more drama a 2.5 minute maybe wholesome lesson then back to sex sex. No wonder kids today are so confused. I am 37 and still blush at times as to what is on TV. LOL
Religion- I wont talk long on this one because I know it lights a fire faster than a piro but religion is like a info-mercial. When I was young there was a few religions but nothing like there is today. Its like its a baskin robins and you can choose one from 31 flavors. Whatever happened to believe or dont beleive? We have ok beleive this but not this, this happend or wait this happened instead. People cant talk about believing in god jesus or prayer because they get shunned or judged.People cant talk about not believing in god or jesus or prayer because they get shunned or judged. See a pattern here, you get judged either way...
Customer Service- This lacks as the years go one. Companies simply dont care. Its like they are BK but reversed, its our way or no way. Money talks and if you dont have it the whole world becomes silent. Buisness are rude, their employees are rude and no one is loyal any more. Its all about the dollar bill yo. Sad really.
Germs- I truly beleive that as the years go by the world gets dirtier and some people get nastier. Its like everywhere you go poop hand sammy is lurking saying HELLO. I have a real quick fix to this issue. K when you go #1 or # 2 come out of the stall or your own luxury bathroom go to the sink and OMG wash your hands. When I am out in public and someone doesnt wash their hands I kindly ask oh did you need some soap or dont forget to wash your hands. We can sing the ABC song together so we know are doing it long enought. This isnt hard peeps you wipe your vagina, or ass, so please wash it up after. Poop is not pretty and no matter if you shit roses it stinks.
As you can all tell my ass is getting fired up and I could blog for hours about the ways that this world is going one day just burst into flames but honestly tonight I am so over 2011 style peeps, that I am going quit while I am ahead...
Tonight my words of wisdom is going be short and sweet. To avoid PHS.. WASH YOUR HANDS.
October 4, 2011
Is there a rewind button?
I am really just a big old chubby sarcastic mess. I talk out my bubble bum and I am not perfect at all. I have plenty of awkward moments and at times I want to crawl under the rock that I came from. Kitty at work always says to me and has since day one. That mouth one day is going to get you into trouble. Well that folks it has and I know it will many more times.
My topic tonight is embarassing moments. Those one moments where you wish scotty would beam your ass up or you could pause like Zach used to do in Saved By The Bell......
So as I sit here I am thinking of 10 possible most embarassing or awkward moments.
Get that pause button ready LOL
1. The moment where you realize you just hit send on a text or email to the wrong person
2. Having someone come up to you and be like hey whats up and you are silently going OMG I have no flipping idea who this person is but you smile and carry on like you are BFF.
3. Tripping while you are walking. We all have done it and we all get pissed when we do it. Its like we get all mad and try and play it off.
4. Wearing a light shirt with a bra that is neon and not noticing until you are at work.
5. Bend over to pick something up and oopie toot toot LOL
6. Getting up at like 130 am tired as fudge and sitting down on the toilet just to find out that your hubby didnt put the seat back down or in my case back in the day my brother at my parents house.
7. Walking around with you skirt tucked into your undies
8. Walking around with toilet paper in places it shouldnt be.
9. Totally flirting it up with a hot boy or girl to find out you had a boogie in your nose, or some foodage in your teeth.
10. This one only close friends and co workers will get. The moment where your old boss comes out of the bathroom like the end is coming screaming someones purple panties are on the bathroom floor and they are totally yours.
JD words of wisdom. I am sarcastic and talk out my chubby bum but I am harmless and I have done and experienced almost all those embarassing moments above and there are more I am sure to come my way.
My topic tonight is embarassing moments. Those one moments where you wish scotty would beam your ass up or you could pause like Zach used to do in Saved By The Bell......
So as I sit here I am thinking of 10 possible most embarassing or awkward moments.
Get that pause button ready LOL
1. The moment where you realize you just hit send on a text or email to the wrong person
2. Having someone come up to you and be like hey whats up and you are silently going OMG I have no flipping idea who this person is but you smile and carry on like you are BFF.
3. Tripping while you are walking. We all have done it and we all get pissed when we do it. Its like we get all mad and try and play it off.
4. Wearing a light shirt with a bra that is neon and not noticing until you are at work.
5. Bend over to pick something up and oopie toot toot LOL
6. Getting up at like 130 am tired as fudge and sitting down on the toilet just to find out that your hubby didnt put the seat back down or in my case back in the day my brother at my parents house.
7. Walking around with you skirt tucked into your undies
8. Walking around with toilet paper in places it shouldnt be.
9. Totally flirting it up with a hot boy or girl to find out you had a boogie in your nose, or some foodage in your teeth.
10. This one only close friends and co workers will get. The moment where your old boss comes out of the bathroom like the end is coming screaming someones purple panties are on the bathroom floor and they are totally yours.
JD words of wisdom. I am sarcastic and talk out my chubby bum but I am harmless and I have done and experienced almost all those embarassing moments above and there are more I am sure to come my way.
October 3, 2011
Why is the sky blue?
Anyone who has little kids, or nieces and nephews or shoot even around kids know they ask a lot of questions. I can remember Tyler asking me why is this why is that and I would be like for the love of beans and rice quit asking me I dont know...LOL
As I get older I find myself having random questions that I want to ask. Now mine arent sweet or funny or even cute. Mine are well you guessed it sarcastic. They normally of course involve my favorite topic, people.
So sit back on this why was it Monday already night , put on your snuggie and enjoy some of the questions JD would love to just randomly ask.
1. Why when you are talking to someone and they want to say someone was of a different race (normally they are refering to a black person) do they look left then right, and then lean in to you and whisper and they were black. Black people know they are black, no need to whisper.
2. Why do people have to brag about how much they spent and name drop about it. Like I got these shoes and they were nike and I paid 2.5 million dollars for them. Well Molly these here are flip flops from wal mart and I paid $4.99
3. Why do people have their kids on leashes. They are not pets, if you want a dog go to the pound. If you cant control your kid, leave them home or better yet dont reproduce.
4. Why on TV shows are all the fat men with pretty girls but no big pretty woman are with normal sized guys? Oh wait that is because all the fat girls are bed bound eating some finger licking good KFC , my bad.
5. Why is Bruce Willis so chummy with Demi and Ashton?
6. Why does that Progressive TV commerical lady still have a job?
7. Why when you are getting off an elevator do the dumb assees waiting to get on try and ambush you and get on before you come out?Look here missy I get off then you get on. Wasnt that taught in like the 2nd grade?
8. Why do men have long hair? I was never a fan of Fabio so I say cut that shit. If you want to be a woman go to the goodwill buy a dress and some high heels and go home and do your thing. In private!
9. What exactly is wrong with Jay Lenos chin and when does it go back to the planet it came from?
10. When Britney went mental why didnt she stay there and who in the thin mint cookie made her nasty hooker ass famous to begin with?
11. Why do some people who are going to college demand the world kiss their ass simply because they are going to school. Hey Mr Harvard, can I have fries with that?
12. Why is wal mart the devil yet my BFF?
13. Speaking of wal mart. That store is huge so why each time the one aisle I need there is at least 2-3 desperate housewives stalking me. Look I know I am a diva and adorable but back off and go buy a romance novel please and tell yourself over and over again, my hubby prefers me this way.
14. Why do people eat fast food order and get diet pop? Yes America I know, its what you really like to drink.
15. Why do people get dogs who really dont want or take care of pets?
16. Why do people that you dont really know or fancy come around and show you a picture of their kids? I mean really I dont care what Jr looks like and to be honest his pictures scare me.
17. Why do people invite people to their parties only because you will get them a kick ass gift?
18. What did ever happen to Waldo?
19. Why do some people silently ignore my FB friend request? Once they dont accept you its all you think about for that day.
20. Seriously, why is the sky blue? :)
JD words of wisdom: Lets face it we all young and old have our very own questions. Some are just better off not asked. LOL
As I get older I find myself having random questions that I want to ask. Now mine arent sweet or funny or even cute. Mine are well you guessed it sarcastic. They normally of course involve my favorite topic, people.
So sit back on this why was it Monday already night , put on your snuggie and enjoy some of the questions JD would love to just randomly ask.
1. Why when you are talking to someone and they want to say someone was of a different race (normally they are refering to a black person) do they look left then right, and then lean in to you and whisper and they were black. Black people know they are black, no need to whisper.
2. Why do people have to brag about how much they spent and name drop about it. Like I got these shoes and they were nike and I paid 2.5 million dollars for them. Well Molly these here are flip flops from wal mart and I paid $4.99
3. Why do people have their kids on leashes. They are not pets, if you want a dog go to the pound. If you cant control your kid, leave them home or better yet dont reproduce.
4. Why on TV shows are all the fat men with pretty girls but no big pretty woman are with normal sized guys? Oh wait that is because all the fat girls are bed bound eating some finger licking good KFC , my bad.
5. Why is Bruce Willis so chummy with Demi and Ashton?
6. Why does that Progressive TV commerical lady still have a job?
7. Why when you are getting off an elevator do the dumb assees waiting to get on try and ambush you and get on before you come out?Look here missy I get off then you get on. Wasnt that taught in like the 2nd grade?
8. Why do men have long hair? I was never a fan of Fabio so I say cut that shit. If you want to be a woman go to the goodwill buy a dress and some high heels and go home and do your thing. In private!
9. What exactly is wrong with Jay Lenos chin and when does it go back to the planet it came from?
10. When Britney went mental why didnt she stay there and who in the thin mint cookie made her nasty hooker ass famous to begin with?
11. Why do some people who are going to college demand the world kiss their ass simply because they are going to school. Hey Mr Harvard, can I have fries with that?
12. Why is wal mart the devil yet my BFF?
13. Speaking of wal mart. That store is huge so why each time the one aisle I need there is at least 2-3 desperate housewives stalking me. Look I know I am a diva and adorable but back off and go buy a romance novel please and tell yourself over and over again, my hubby prefers me this way.
14. Why do people eat fast food order and get diet pop? Yes America I know, its what you really like to drink.
15. Why do people get dogs who really dont want or take care of pets?
16. Why do people that you dont really know or fancy come around and show you a picture of their kids? I mean really I dont care what Jr looks like and to be honest his pictures scare me.
17. Why do people invite people to their parties only because you will get them a kick ass gift?
18. What did ever happen to Waldo?
19. Why do some people silently ignore my FB friend request? Once they dont accept you its all you think about for that day.
20. Seriously, why is the sky blue? :)
JD words of wisdom: Lets face it we all young and old have our very own questions. Some are just better off not asked. LOL
October 2, 2011
A Few of my NON favorite things
I love to peeps watch. I check out a peeps attire from head to toe, then hair then make up. Let me say in this day and age of desperate housewives man at times my eyes get pissed off and and auto tell my brain, dont look dont look, go into sleep mode. Tonight I had one of those episodes which got me to thinking. Hmm what are some OMG my eyes, my eyes moments...
So on this Sunday Night kick back in your pjs, turn on some Sunday Night Football and enjoy.
1. Shoes, ladies I know you are carrying a coach purse or wearing tiffaney jewerly and think you are the shark but please pay attention to your shoes. Dont wear wedding shoes unless you are acutally going to a wedding. Dont EVER wear high heels with sweatshirts and jeans. If you wear tennis shoes please dont wear a nice outfit, actually please only wear tennis shoes if you plan on walking running hiking or cleaning out your garage. Now they are ok with sweatshirts but really must we go there. Oh I dont give a flying nun if you dumb enough to pay 70-180 on the tennies. Prices dont impress this Diva. All I will tell you is you made a bad decision.
2. Toes. Ok ladies please listen up. Feet are ugly. If you wear open toed shoes of any kind please have your toes pained. Now I dont expect them all to look as adorable as mine but please have some color on them. That is the most disgusting thing to look down upon. Omg I am silenty gagging as I blog.
3. Skinny Jeans or Leggings. This one does it for me. When I first heard about them I thought it was a bad idea. Then I was dumb enough to buy a pair. Listen up fellow chubsters, SKINNY JEANS ARE NOT FOR US. They look so stupid on big girls. Actually I think skinny jeans look dumb on all girls. Sorry not a good look, then lets paid it with bad shoes and unpainted toes. Yep now I just puked in my mouth. All skinny jeans need is those straps at the bottom of the legs like stirup pants. Gross
4. Long Horse Hair. Guys might like long hair but the Crystal Gayle look went out a long time ago. I dont care if you have been growing it since 1912 its fucking gross. My favorite is when they go all I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth. Stop that its gross and no one finds it attractive. Look around peeps the style now is not Mr Ed.
5. Foundation. Ok wow this is another one that cracks me up. Now and not too brag but I have been blessed with decent skin, so I dont need to wear alot of makeup and aboslutely no foundation. But if I did I would know better than to leave the house looking like a unfinished painting. Ladies I know you all have mirrors, check that shit out. Blend it ladies, blend it till it all looks one color. And please dont be lazy and stop at your chin line. That gets me everytime. I just want to go all honest and be like hey look Mary you got alot of something right there, no right there, and just go to town on the blending.
6. Oh the nips. I swear I get all awkward as a cowboy in a goth club on this one. I swear I am like dont look oh wait look oh wait god go back in. Ladies if you tend to be a nippy person watch that shark. I mean as we all know some of us have big nips and when you are talking to me and telling me about young charlie winning his booger eating contest I cant concentrate. All I want to say is are you cold? My god check online most stores have bra sales. Quit buying 100 shoes and buy some good bras. K, thanks.
7. Ugg boots. Once again I am not a name brand snob. So I dont care if you have ugg boots. I think they are seriously one of the ugliest boots ever made. What is even better is when girls wear those, ss and sweat pants and then the pebbles look of a hair do. OMG I am so jealous NOT. I would take some knock off oggies boots anyday over that. Player Please.
8. Fake Nails. Oh how this one I could talk about for hours. I love me some fake nails and since I am a nail biter and rings and pretty jewelry are a no no for me with bitten ones I have them. However mine are short and cute. The long ones or fat sausage ones sorry pals no one fancies. They are gross. Keep um short and simple. No hooker red unless you plan to work a pole later.
9. Tanning. Now I love a nice tan and if I wasnt into nails or burn like a lobster I would go. But ladies when you start looking like a umpa lommpa or you glow in the dark its time to stop. Being pale and pretty is way better than being mistaken for a wrinkled up dark shoe.
10. Holiday themed atttire. LOL, WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN. Omg woman strut that shit like its the bomb. I have told my friends and hubby if you ever catch me wearing casper the friendly ghost, tom the turkey or frosty the fucking snowman knock me the f out and change me on the spot. Sorry but that is the worst kind of eye burner for me. Like your man is sitting there going my god she has on the snowflake sweater again man I want to fuck the shit out of that right now. Stop the holiday wear pronto please. Omg now I want to vomit.
JD Words of Wisdom this lovely Sunday night: Buy new shoes, paint your toes, burn you skinny jeans, make a hair appointment Monday AM, check your mirrors and blend oh ladies please blend, protect the girls better, stop being a name brand snob, short and simply nails is the way to go, try being your natural color and the most important one, put down the holiday shirt and walk away, nothing to see desperate housewive, nothing to see.
So on this Sunday Night kick back in your pjs, turn on some Sunday Night Football and enjoy.
1. Shoes, ladies I know you are carrying a coach purse or wearing tiffaney jewerly and think you are the shark but please pay attention to your shoes. Dont wear wedding shoes unless you are acutally going to a wedding. Dont EVER wear high heels with sweatshirts and jeans. If you wear tennis shoes please dont wear a nice outfit, actually please only wear tennis shoes if you plan on walking running hiking or cleaning out your garage. Now they are ok with sweatshirts but really must we go there. Oh I dont give a flying nun if you dumb enough to pay 70-180 on the tennies. Prices dont impress this Diva. All I will tell you is you made a bad decision.
2. Toes. Ok ladies please listen up. Feet are ugly. If you wear open toed shoes of any kind please have your toes pained. Now I dont expect them all to look as adorable as mine but please have some color on them. That is the most disgusting thing to look down upon. Omg I am silenty gagging as I blog.
3. Skinny Jeans or Leggings. This one does it for me. When I first heard about them I thought it was a bad idea. Then I was dumb enough to buy a pair. Listen up fellow chubsters, SKINNY JEANS ARE NOT FOR US. They look so stupid on big girls. Actually I think skinny jeans look dumb on all girls. Sorry not a good look, then lets paid it with bad shoes and unpainted toes. Yep now I just puked in my mouth. All skinny jeans need is those straps at the bottom of the legs like stirup pants. Gross
4. Long Horse Hair. Guys might like long hair but the Crystal Gayle look went out a long time ago. I dont care if you have been growing it since 1912 its fucking gross. My favorite is when they go all I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth. Stop that its gross and no one finds it attractive. Look around peeps the style now is not Mr Ed.
5. Foundation. Ok wow this is another one that cracks me up. Now and not too brag but I have been blessed with decent skin, so I dont need to wear alot of makeup and aboslutely no foundation. But if I did I would know better than to leave the house looking like a unfinished painting. Ladies I know you all have mirrors, check that shit out. Blend it ladies, blend it till it all looks one color. And please dont be lazy and stop at your chin line. That gets me everytime. I just want to go all honest and be like hey look Mary you got alot of something right there, no right there, and just go to town on the blending.
6. Oh the nips. I swear I get all awkward as a cowboy in a goth club on this one. I swear I am like dont look oh wait look oh wait god go back in. Ladies if you tend to be a nippy person watch that shark. I mean as we all know some of us have big nips and when you are talking to me and telling me about young charlie winning his booger eating contest I cant concentrate. All I want to say is are you cold? My god check online most stores have bra sales. Quit buying 100 shoes and buy some good bras. K, thanks.
7. Ugg boots. Once again I am not a name brand snob. So I dont care if you have ugg boots. I think they are seriously one of the ugliest boots ever made. What is even better is when girls wear those, ss and sweat pants and then the pebbles look of a hair do. OMG I am so jealous NOT. I would take some knock off oggies boots anyday over that. Player Please.
8. Fake Nails. Oh how this one I could talk about for hours. I love me some fake nails and since I am a nail biter and rings and pretty jewelry are a no no for me with bitten ones I have them. However mine are short and cute. The long ones or fat sausage ones sorry pals no one fancies. They are gross. Keep um short and simple. No hooker red unless you plan to work a pole later.
9. Tanning. Now I love a nice tan and if I wasnt into nails or burn like a lobster I would go. But ladies when you start looking like a umpa lommpa or you glow in the dark its time to stop. Being pale and pretty is way better than being mistaken for a wrinkled up dark shoe.
10. Holiday themed atttire. LOL, WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN. Omg woman strut that shit like its the bomb. I have told my friends and hubby if you ever catch me wearing casper the friendly ghost, tom the turkey or frosty the fucking snowman knock me the f out and change me on the spot. Sorry but that is the worst kind of eye burner for me. Like your man is sitting there going my god she has on the snowflake sweater again man I want to fuck the shit out of that right now. Stop the holiday wear pronto please. Omg now I want to vomit.
JD Words of Wisdom this lovely Sunday night: Buy new shoes, paint your toes, burn you skinny jeans, make a hair appointment Monday AM, check your mirrors and blend oh ladies please blend, protect the girls better, stop being a name brand snob, short and simply nails is the way to go, try being your natural color and the most important one, put down the holiday shirt and walk away, nothing to see desperate housewive, nothing to see.
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