I love to peeps watch. I check out a peeps attire from head to toe, then hair then make up. Let me say in this day and age of desperate housewives man at times my eyes get pissed off and and auto tell my brain, dont look dont look, go into sleep mode. Tonight I had one of those episodes which got me to thinking. Hmm what are some OMG my eyes, my eyes moments...
So on this Sunday Night kick back in your pjs, turn on some Sunday Night Football and enjoy.
1. Shoes, ladies I know you are carrying a coach purse or wearing tiffaney jewerly and think you are the shark but please pay attention to your shoes. Dont wear wedding shoes unless you are acutally going to a wedding. Dont EVER wear high heels with sweatshirts and jeans. If you wear tennis shoes please dont wear a nice outfit, actually please only wear tennis shoes if you plan on walking running hiking or cleaning out your garage. Now they are ok with sweatshirts but really must we go there. Oh I dont give a flying nun if you dumb enough to pay 70-180 on the tennies. Prices dont impress this Diva. All I will tell you is you made a bad decision.
2. Toes. Ok ladies please listen up. Feet are ugly. If you wear open toed shoes of any kind please have your toes pained. Now I dont expect them all to look as adorable as mine but please have some color on them. That is the most disgusting thing to look down upon. Omg I am silenty gagging as I blog.
3. Skinny Jeans or Leggings. This one does it for me. When I first heard about them I thought it was a bad idea. Then I was dumb enough to buy a pair. Listen up fellow chubsters, SKINNY JEANS ARE NOT FOR US. They look so stupid on big girls. Actually I think skinny jeans look dumb on all girls. Sorry not a good look, then lets paid it with bad shoes and unpainted toes. Yep now I just puked in my mouth. All skinny jeans need is those straps at the bottom of the legs like stirup pants. Gross
4. Long Horse Hair. Guys might like long hair but the Crystal Gayle look went out a long time ago. I dont care if you have been growing it since 1912 its fucking gross. My favorite is when they go all I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth. Stop that its gross and no one finds it attractive. Look around peeps the style now is not Mr Ed.
5. Foundation. Ok wow this is another one that cracks me up. Now and not too brag but I have been blessed with decent skin, so I dont need to wear alot of makeup and aboslutely no foundation. But if I did I would know better than to leave the house looking like a unfinished painting. Ladies I know you all have mirrors, check that shit out. Blend it ladies, blend it till it all looks one color. And please dont be lazy and stop at your chin line. That gets me everytime. I just want to go all honest and be like hey look Mary you got alot of something right there, no right there, and just go to town on the blending.
6. Oh the nips. I swear I get all awkward as a cowboy in a goth club on this one. I swear I am like dont look oh wait look oh wait god go back in. Ladies if you tend to be a nippy person watch that shark. I mean as we all know some of us have big nips and when you are talking to me and telling me about young charlie winning his booger eating contest I cant concentrate. All I want to say is are you cold? My god check online most stores have bra sales. Quit buying 100 shoes and buy some good bras. K, thanks.
7. Ugg boots. Once again I am not a name brand snob. So I dont care if you have ugg boots. I think they are seriously one of the ugliest boots ever made. What is even better is when girls wear those, ss and sweat pants and then the pebbles look of a hair do. OMG I am so jealous NOT. I would take some knock off oggies boots anyday over that. Player Please.
8. Fake Nails. Oh how this one I could talk about for hours. I love me some fake nails and since I am a nail biter and rings and pretty jewelry are a no no for me with bitten ones I have them. However mine are short and cute. The long ones or fat sausage ones sorry pals no one fancies. They are gross. Keep um short and simple. No hooker red unless you plan to work a pole later.
9. Tanning. Now I love a nice tan and if I wasnt into nails or burn like a lobster I would go. But ladies when you start looking like a umpa lommpa or you glow in the dark its time to stop. Being pale and pretty is way better than being mistaken for a wrinkled up dark shoe.
10. Holiday themed atttire. LOL, WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN. Omg woman strut that shit like its the bomb. I have told my friends and hubby if you ever catch me wearing casper the friendly ghost, tom the turkey or frosty the fucking snowman knock me the f out and change me on the spot. Sorry but that is the worst kind of eye burner for me. Like your man is sitting there going my god she has on the snowflake sweater again man I want to fuck the shit out of that right now. Stop the holiday wear pronto please. Omg now I want to vomit.
JD Words of Wisdom this lovely Sunday night: Buy new shoes, paint your toes, burn you skinny jeans, make a hair appointment Monday AM, check your mirrors and blend oh ladies please blend, protect the girls better, stop being a name brand snob, short and simply nails is the way to go, try being your natural color and the most important one, put down the holiday shirt and walk away, nothing to see desperate housewive, nothing to see.
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